just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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