Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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