i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
