Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
