i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
