i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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