why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
