Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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