I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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