you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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