Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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