i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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