im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
