your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just tell him i said nine months
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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