I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
