the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
