I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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