mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
