I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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