Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
