im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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