hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
