fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
