conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I have vodka in my lungs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
