Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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