Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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