The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
