i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
