OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
