I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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