I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
