I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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