my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
