hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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