Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
