I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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