god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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