I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
