Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
