U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
