Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
