**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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