dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
