put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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