i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
