All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
