Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
