i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
