In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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