omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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